A Kitty's Equivalent To A Crack Fic!
by xXGoody Not-So-Great MeXx
Summary: This fic is dedicated to dearest Amethystte whom I owe many thanksies to for letting me feature her oc! And, this fic is, as the title explains, has somtin to do with kitties and it's a crack fic. Beware: Random flashbacks and scary Sapphira. *shivers*


A Kitty's Equivalent To Crack!

Yay! I finally got this fic done! It is like the description said, dedicated to Amethystte. I promised this oneshot well over a month ago and I'm glad I finished it! It was supposed to be a yaoi fic but, I suck at writing guy on guy love. Hope you like it Ame-chan or else I may have to be diagnosed with clinical depression pills! Nah, just kidding.

I don't own Naruto characters, Death Note characters, or Amethystte. I do own the crazy bitch known as Sapphira though!

Enjoy and if you like, or not, still review!! My life depends on it! I'll pull the life plug out of the socket thingy if you don't!

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Normal Point Of View

It was just another day for the four teens, totally a norm for them all. So, what else to do on a Friday night other than hang out? Anything better to do? Didn't think so.

Anyways, upon being bored to near death, several ideas came up. Movies, all were either too old or boring and nothing else interesting premiering. Bar, sadly they were all under aged and from their home experiments, can't hold alcohol worth a shit.

Though, there was a festival in town and that may just have been the start for a hellish nightmare…

Two Hours Later…

"Ho shit!...That wasn't supposed to fucking happen." The random street vendor slash magician dude said while rubbing his face in irritation.

With a poof of smoke, Amethystte disappeared and Sapphira was left gawking along with Deidara and Hidan as they were oblivious to the actual severity of the situation.

It wasn't that bad, just another magic trick gone whack-nothing to worry about...

Yeah, huge understatement there, buddy.

Judging by the missing teen and the now ever present kitten…okay, how the fuck did that-!? Clearly, someone should've just stuck to selling oranges and other random citrus fruits and stayed the fuck away from magic books!

Sapphira was first to react out of her frozen state of an ice cube that matched her navy blue hair and icy orbs which were welling up with tears.

She quickly snatched up the chocolate kitten which had crazy purple highlights and matching coffee-colored eyes.

Out of impulse, Sapphira almost squeezed her morphed friend into a dead mutant kitty. The kitten version of Amethystte quickly began hissing and spitting unceremoniously while launching out of Sapphira's grasp and latching herself onto Deidara's face.

While Deidara was running around clawing at his face to detach the deranged feline, Sapphira collapsed onto her ass on the sidewalk, stuck out her bottom lip and sulked quietly to herself, glaring at a snail.

Where was Hidan while all of this was occurring? Why, he was rolling on the floor laughing his ass off of course! In fact, he was so damn hysterical his face was contorted into a huge smile that rose all the way to his eyes-seriously.

As Deidara finally had a grip on the kitty's tuff, Sapphira sprung up and in the flurry to rescue the kitten…tripped over Hidan's body.

"Deidara Banana Nut Muffin! Put Ame-chan down, you big bully!" The velvette screeched while picking herself up from her position on top of Hidan.

Hidan had stopped his little 'fit' after the hundred pound girl fell on top of him. He decided to make Sapphira pissed (A/N: Very bad idea…very bad *shivers*). He snaked his arms around her waist, holding her in his lap.

Sapphira on the other hand was out on a mission to save her somehow catlike friend. Deidara and Amethystte were in a glaring contest if you can image the brunette kitty actually glaring hatefully-which she can.

"Hidan Pervy Muffin Curser. Let. Me. Go," Hissed Sapphira's venomous voice that was several octaves lower than her usual chirpy tone.

But, Hidan being the one who loved pissing people off decided against listening to Sapphira's warning.

"Nah, don't think so." Was his response as he just smirked and watched the blue-haired girl's eye twitch in frustration while she just sat there.

"Bitch! You're just as fucking evil as a flea bag! Damn demons' spawn…yeah" Deidara muttered a stream of curses as the Amethystte kitty began to lick her bloody paws clean.

"Hidan-kun, can you please let me go? I'll do you a big favor if you want." Sapphira suddenly purred while twisting herself so her face was mere inches away from the jashinist's.

With their close proximity, Hidan was immediately set on edge. Only a few times in his friendship with the weird girl had she talked so seductively to him at a drop of a hat. Plus, out of all of them times, he had actually fallen for her act and ended up injured…

Flashback One:

"Hidaaannn! Please move yourself from the couch where I can get to the remote or I may just have to lay down with you and dig for it…" Sapphira whined cutely while placing one hand on her narrow hip.

"Hey, that ain't such a fucking bad idea…come take a seat."

Yeah, and before he knew it, a plastic fork was lodged into arm and a now cackling Sapphira was pouring Sunny D down his boxers.

Power of the Sun, bitches!

Flashback Two:

"Honey, I need to pee like, badly, so will you hurry up in the shower?" The blue-haired girl asked while standing outside of the door along with Amethystte by her side giggling sadistly.

"Uhh, I won't look, come on in!" To anyone who had ever known Hidan, they were sure this was another fat ass lie on his part to sneak a peek at you with your pants pulled down.

So, when Sapphira and Amethystte entered the bathroom with Sapphira's ferret, Beyond, in tow, all hell was about to break loose.

Unlike most ferrets Beyond loved water except for the small fact that he did hate Hidan's guts, or in this case, testicles. When Amethystte slipped him behind the steamy curtain it was only seconds before screeches were heard along with hissing noises.

In that one instance, the girls were not only rewarded with Hidan having to go to the doctor for twelve stitches to reattach his torn flesh but also him drugged to get a rabies shot and enough blackmail to be posted onto the internet.

Flashback Three:

"Deidara, you are my bitch. Go cook me and Sapphira chocolate chip waffles." Amethystte commanded while poking Deidara in the chest with a half eaten orange crayon.

"F-fine, just don't kill me!" Deidara begged while inwardly praying to not be poisoned by being forced to eat playdoh.

"And one more thing Dei-kun…be a good little boy and make Hidan's waffles extra special, m'kay?" The brunette added while grinning evilly.

"Kay, yeah." The blonde answered while pulling a purple ponytail holder off of his wrist and tying up his golden locks and walking towards the kitchen area.

As Amethystte continued to grin she heard a loud crash and the sound of a lamp breaking. She face palmed and skipped down the stairs a moment later into the basement where their tv room/the guys' bedroom was located.

"Mwahahahaha!!!"

"Sapphira! LEMME GO! I'M FUCKING WARNING YOU BITCH!!" Hidan yelled while Sapphira continued to sit on his back while licking a cherry sucker.

The two failed to notice Amethystte on the stairs with her lavender camcorder in hand videotaping the whole exchange.

"Mwahahaha-*COUGH COUGH*" Sapphira hacked while trying to cough up her lollipop which had lodged itself in her throat.

Fortunately for her, Hidan had taken advantage of the moment and had flipped her off of him and she managed to finally gag out the stick.

"Ha! Now whatcha gonna do? I'm on top, HOLY SH-!!" And, Sapphira wins…again after "accidently" almost completely castrating Hidan with a pair of safety scissors that materialized out of thin air.

End Of Numerous Flashbacks

And that was it. Not wanting to risk another trip to the ER to have his member stitched up and not wanting to seek his old friend who was currently in jail for supplying black market items, Kakuzu, he had to surrender the chance of victory.

Sapphira stood up smugger than ever while brushing the invisible dust off of her jeans. Then, she leaped to Deidara's side who was poking his swollen face obviously pouting because of the numerous scratches to his face.

"Aw, it's okay Dei-Dei." Sapphira cooed while placing gentle butterfly kisses to Deidara's mangled face. In return, Deidara's already red face tinged even pinker at the sudden affection.

Then, the kitten sneezed from her position on Deidara's lap and Sapphira snatched her up and began scratching the Amethystte kitten behind the ear playfully.

The one thing Sapphira was relatively harmless to happen to be animals. In fact, while Amethystte and Sapphira had shared an apartment with the guys for over six months now, the blue-haired girl had brought home pets on a day-to-day basis.

From Matsuda the iguana, Misa the dove, Matt and Mello the two gay rabbits that managed to reproduce…a lot in a month, Light and L the lovebirds, and Near the albino anaconda to her first true pet Beyond the coal-black ferret with mysteriously blackish red irises.

Though, in this particular case, Amethystte was not supposed to be an animal at all. Truthfully, Hidan and Deidara didn't have any idea of how to transform their friend back to a human. Sapphira probably doesn't care either way but, Ame-chan most likely doesn't want to get fixed and not be able to watch yaoi on the internet.

Hidan coughed from behind Sapphira, making Amethystte stop her fit of purring to look up into the pink eyes of Hidan with a puzzled expression.

Hidan though was envious of Deidara after he had been kissed many times after getting hurt. Hell, he should be the one being kissed better! Hey, on a weekly basis his manhood is being put on the line!

"Er, Sapphira wonders what Sapphira should do. Deidara!!! Why is Sapphira's best friend a kitty? Hidan, fix Amethystte!" Sapphira griped in third person while stomping her right foot in irritation at Hidan's lack of an answer.

To this, both Hidan and Deidara sweatdropped because Sapphira only talked in third person like that when she was really inwardly annoyed. Truth be told, Sapphira wasn't completely an idiot. She was actually just talented in hiding her emotions and injuring people…

"Er, Hidan, why don't you go find that dude wearing the floral Hawaiian shirt while I escort Sapphira and Ame-kitty home, yeah?" The blonde proposed while smirking at Sapphira's reaction when she held his hand like a lost four year old.

Not wanting to argue, Hidan just sighed and stomped off, effectively stepping on the snail in which Sapphira crowned 'Bob.'

Either way, Deidara decided to be happy about escaping almost unscathed compared to what happened when Beyond got a hold of Hidan's meat weasel. Yeah, he cringed at the mere thought of those razor sharp teeth locking down onto his...yeah.

"Shall we? Walk down the yellow brick road that is?" Sapphira laughed while beginning to skip back and forth causing Amethystte to bounce as well.

Amethystte soon began to get pissed at the motion sickness and was deciding whether or not to hurl a hair ball onto Sapphira's shoe or to just sleep…the latter being much…more…zzzzzzzzz.

Seeing that her kitty friend fell asleep, Sapphira stuck the brunette kitty into her jacket and zipped it up enough where only Ame's head and big ears stuck out. To this, Deidara just shook his head and began leading the girl by the wrist back to their apartment…

Thirty Minutes Later

"Gah! I'm Ho-ome!" Hidan called in an awkward sing song voice that seemed well out of character for the silver-haired nineteen year old.

To no one's surprise, Hidan had actually caught up with the wannabe magician dude and had effectively drugged his ass and dragged him back to the apartment to fix his little gag trick.

When Hidan entered the kitchen, several things were not as they should have been. One, Ame-chan was sitting on the kitchen table watching yaoi on YouTube as Deidara and Sapphira licked cookie dough off of each other's fingers and face. Yeah, and the fact that there was a blown up microwave and toaster…hmm, no idea there.

"Mhhmmn…stop Deidara…nnhh." Sapphira moaned while in turn licking Deidara's nose which he squinted cutely.

Hidan looked over at Amethystte, the usual parental figure of the group, and she just rolled her eyes like a normal kitty was incapable of doing. Sighing for the umpteenth time, he threw the now dazed man off of his shoulder and said bearded guy skidded to a halt at Deidara's and Sapphira's feet.

Next was the part that you could expect from someone such as Sapphira. She began poking the "creature" in the ass with her froggy slipper-clad foot and whispered, "what is it, Dei-Dei?"

"It's a h-u-m-a-n, Sapphira, yeah." Deidara spelled out, moving to Ame-kitty's side across the table while Sapphira continued to examine her unknown prey.

"I see…he must die. He turned Amethystte into kitty!" She proclaimed while transforming into nothing but a darting blue flash as she zoomed from place to place gathering random items, leaving the other three dumbstruck.

Ten Minutes Later

"Mwhahaha! Now, wizard boy, do your little magic shit and fucking fix this shit." Hidan said while laughing at Sapphira's handy work.

Not only did the guy, who they later found was named Eric (A/N yeah, I done that on purpose Amethystte…couldn't resist XD.), was wearing an authentic wardrobe of Harry Potter; scarf, cloak, and cheesy glasses included but he also carried an actual scar on his forehead too!

Wonder where he got that from? Oh yeah, Sapphira chunked a damn whisk thingy that stirs cake batter and stuff at him and it lashed his forehead because of Sapphira's deady aim precision.

Anyways, now Eric was pointing said magic wand at Ame-kitty who was growling and hissing up at the man in total disgust. Eric was about to shit himself because he had an audience waiting like he was about to pull a rabbit out of his ass.

Sapphira was sitting on top of the counter, twirling a steak knife on her fingers while the rest of the knives lay in arm's length away to her right.

Deidara was sitting precariously on a stool with a bucket of lime green playdoh in his lap as he half watched and half molded the concoction.

Hidan was leaning against the fridge, blocking the doorway in case the "fruit" tried to make a break for it.

Altogether, Eric was cornered like a mouse in a lion's den. Wellp, he's shit out of luck…poor bastard doesn't stand a chance.

Back to the magic trick, Eric began saying random spells and stuff which had virtually no hellish effect whatsoever and Amethystte had already fallen asleep from the sheer lack of violence.

One Hour Later

"Dude, you are so effin' stupid, seriously…" Sapphira groaned while placing yet another cherry lollipop stick onto her growing fortress of sucker sticks.

Deidara didn't bother to hold back a hundredth yawn as he opened up a canister of sky blue modeling clay while blowing bubbles with a piece of long-lasting mint gum.

Hidan had grown bored after the first thirty of so epically failed attempts and shouted, "screw it!" and went to the basement to sleep.

"I, erm, can't help it…maybe if I had something to--ack!" Yep, that has a carton of orange juice that had just knocked the produce seller out cold as a hunk of frozen beef…ain't Sapphira so gentle and caring?

…Please note the use of sarcasm there, folks.

"Uhh, now what, yeah?" Deidara asked barely interested yet still amused at the tragic end of consciousness Eric suffered from his own stupidity.

"I totally dk…we have to fix Amethystte still. She will not remain chibi cuteness forever!" Sapphira said while heading to the laptop and scooting Amethystte off of it while taking it back to her post on the counter.

"I shall research on the spidey web and google the answer, Dei Muffin."

"Kay, yeah…"

Two Minutes Later

"Screw it, Dei-kun! The damn screen keeps on freezing…stupid piece of crap." Sapphira mutters darkly while shutting the laptop completely and snatching up Amethystte moodily.

"Woah, whoa there , Sapphira Babe, don't do anything too drastic, anything you might regret!!" Deidara pleaded, trying to save Amethystte's life as the purple streaked kitty blinked bleary eyes up at the two.

Sapphira though seemed to just ignore the pleas and continued onto to the…freezer? Oh noess! Crazy bitch is gonna freeze Ame-kitty chan!

However, Sapphira picks up a gallon of orange sherbet instead of preserving the kitten's body in ice. While plopping Amethystte onto another table, Sapphira grabbed a spoon, took a scoop of the orange goop, and…placed it onto Ame-chan's head..?

Yes, clearly Sapphira had struck a new low in her mentally unstable behavioral habits…clearly!

Actually, she left Deidara and the rest of the world dumbstruck once again as Amethystte began to change back slowly from kitten, to neko girl, all the way back to how she was originally except for the orange mess that covered her now human height body.

Deidara just yawned for a final time, ditched his canisters of playdoh and stumbled down to the basement, completely giving up on understanding the two girls that he'd come to love.

"Eww, I'm sticky…well, at least I'm not a fackin' cat anymore." Amethystte sighed while surveying her orange sherbet second skin.

"Hee hee, oranges duh! He's an orange produce seller and I knocked him out with orange juice and I brought you back with orange frozen yogurt stuff!" Sapphira rejoiced, somehow coming up with a connection to today's weird events.

"…your point?" Amethystte asked, dumbfounded by the mentions of the citrus fruit.

"Duh! The moral of the story, silly Ame-chan! Remember kids, Vitamin C makes the world go round, bitches!"

And…there you have it! The power of vitamin C saves Amethystte from being stuck as a kitten forever!

As for Eric, well, let's just say Amethystte will make sure he's shipped off to some tropical island where he can live the rest of his days known as the Harry Potter impersonator and a dumbass magician who sells produce to pirates with Scurvy!

Hellava Lotta Luck to Ya Eric Me Boy!!

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Please don't pelt me with pickles and chestnuts! I didn't mean for it to have a crack ending! I just…go tired and sorta sick and I don't feel so swift…By the way, it's exactly 11:14 a.m. Dec. 23 when I finished this oneshot dedicated to the beloved Amethystte who was featured in this lovely crack fiction! If you want, please review, flames are invited now. I brought my makeshift fire extinguisher this time! And, for any of you who actually enjoyed this fic *shifteh eager eyes* you'll probably see more of these!! Now review ya evil cronies! Just kidding…


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